Dear younger self,
As you enter marriage, you will notice how much your husband has an opinion for most things and they are good opinions too, the strong and sturdy opinions that seem to make all the sense in the world. And to a you, who had to think longer about things to find your opinion, it will be mesmerizing to think someone could come up with an answer so quickly and strongly. Soon, you will find that you stop giving your opinions because his are so strong and he likes to take over, and hey, it feels good to sit back and let someone take over all the thinking for you. Because you so often struggle standing strong in your opinion and don’t usually like to run over someone else’s ideas either; you don’t like to offend or make anyone feel bad. So, it may seem like a win win…. This will all stop though. At some point you will start to feel a growing, burning energy inside of you that wants to shout out from the bottom of your lungs, that you have good opinions too. You. Want. To. Be. Heard. Finally. And this feeling becomes so strong! It won’t be enough for you to give away your power anymore. To give away your opinions so quickly. You still love your husband, obviously, but you will want to start giving your thoughts more on things, and to be really listened to. You start to think its your husband that needs to listen to you, but really, its YOU that needs to hear YOU. Trust me on this one… seriously! Because when you start to put stock in your own thoughts, ideas, and feelings, you stand a little taller and stand more solidly on the ground.
You end up learning a lot about standing up for what you think, it still feels scary sometimes to speak all your thoughts, but you move forward in this. And it feels so, SO good. It feels like finding a part of your old self that had an opinion about everything and spoke it.
And there’s a really uncomfortable part about this, you must learn how to sit with uncomfortable feelings! Its true. You’ll have to sit with others being upset with you or bothered with you. I know you’re an oldest child and oldest children often like to be people pleasers, but you will have to tackle this because its too hard pleasing everyone all the time and too hard feeling like you never get to really express how you feel for fear of hurting anyone. Having people mad at you doesn’t mean you did something wrong or are bad, it’s their feelings and you are not responsible for their feelings, and if you act in integrity, what they feel is theirs. But it’s still hard to have people upset or annoyed at you having a voice. I want you to remember this though, it will all work out. You have good friends and family and they will all still love you because at your core, you are kind and thoughtful, even if setting boundaries is hard on others.
Before I end, I want to touch again on one final point that I mentioned above. Remember where I said that when you get frustrated at not being heard, that it’s you that needs to hear you? Just so you know, later on in your marriage, your husband will actually admit that he wasn’t listening to you very well and was controlling at times, so your thoughts and feelings are not out of know where. He does end up learning how to listen to you and not be controlling ,too. I just want you to know your feelings are always valid. But for you to feel empowered, your freedom and happiness is never in another persons control, and you don’t need to wait for others to change for you to feel strong and be happy. This is a golden key for you. Whenever you feel frustrated at not being loved enough, or believed, or heard, ask yourself if you are giving those things to yourself or if you are wanting your husband, or a friend to believe you, so you won’t have to stand strong in your opinion? Or if your wanting your husband to love you when you are struggling to love yourself enough. These are some questions that are important to ask. There is some serious self-empowerment in them. If you don’t trust me on that part yet, that’s ok too. You have time to learn more about that.
Love you girlie,