I always get jealous when I see a mother and daughter together, especially when I see the mother holding the grandchild. I can’t help to be honest when I tell you that I cringe at the very sight. My mother was never around, and when she was, she was high and abusive. My Grandmother raised me, and for me she was mom. I had my first child in 2009, right when my grandmother fell ill and I became her 24/7 caretaker. I would have not changed a thing. No family came to help or care it was just me, a newborn baby, the baby’s father somewhere on drugs and in and out of jail, he was useless and scary to say the least. My mother did show up around the time my son was nine weeks old to drop her 10 year old son (my half brother) off in the driveway with a grocery bag full of clothes and said she didn’t want him anymore. Now imagine this… I had a nine week old baby who had full blown colic, a dying grandmother I was caring for, and my drug addict mother who dumped my brother off into my care. I was overwhelmed to say the least. My grandmother cried from the hospital bed I ordered for her, wishing she could hold my baby, and show me how to care for my son. I knew nothing about being a mom. It is sad to say that I googled how to change a diaper, how to bath a baby, and credit google for teaching me the how to basics of caring for a baby. For that time, Google became my mother. I’m married right now, and now have a beautiful little girl, and not a damn soul out there gives two shits and a penny for either one of them. My husband’s family cares from a distance and has done more for my children than my own blood ever has, but there’s still that hole in my heart… that longing for a mom that calls to see how the kids are doing, how I’m doing, and hell, if we might need anything. The last time I saw my mother was at my grandmother’s funeral, and she was so high it was all she could do to sit upright and not fall over. I can remember wanting to hit her, but as I cried over my Grandmother’s body, and kissed her cold cheek, I thought to myself, that is her daughter…let it go.